Have you questioned if you're the abuser in a relationship?

This is, in fact, a very common question. And one thing Sarah McDugal of Wilderness to Wild expresses is the fact that most who ask this question are not, in fact, the abuser.

You see, abusers nudge and tug and pull until they gain a reaction from the victim and then point the finger, showing what a terrible human being the victim is for yelling, becoming angry, or even becoming silent and clamming up.

They will go so far as to point out things that are not there to take the spotlight off of themselves.

Why are you so quiet?

Why are you looking at me like that? (Just FYI, sometimes that look is absolutely nothing but the abuser will then go through a half-hour conversation where everything somehow comes back around to being your fault and will become more confused than ever.)

The abuser must maintain control and confusion in order to maintain their 'safety' in the relationship. Any loss of control or feeling of insuperiority or like you are escaping will bring a swift reaction.

The abuser is a very broken individual who we would like to think we can fix and help and love enough to make them unbroken. We can't. The only way someone can heal is when they choose to recognize their own patterns and choose to go against what feels 'safe' to do what is healing and right. And words do not signal change. Gifts and favors do not signal change. Change can only be seen when the pattern itself changes.

So, are you the abuser? I cannot say, but I will leave you with these words from Sarah McDugal's blog:

"The very fact that you're asking this question means probably the answer is no. Probing into your own actions because you’re worried you might have been abusive too, means most likely that you are NOT.

Let me clarify...

In every abusive relationship, there may be things a victim has said or done that are unhealthy. These may range from being angry at mistreatment to putting up with bad behavior far too long. Being scared to set boundaries can be just as unhealthy as losing your temper.

It is a deeply important part of healing to recognize and take responsibility for these things so you can grow past them and find healing for your own sake. This includes learning to see patterns of behavior instead of treating issues as one-time events. If you don't, you're almost guaranteed to carry these survival coping mechanisms into your future."

Read the rest of the blog here. It is a lovely read for those who are wondering how to gain more clarity on abusive situations. And not every situationship is abuse. But every abusive relationship is a situationship. It cannot function as a healthy, stable, lasting relationship until both sides are willing.

Remember, create the life you love. You don't need anyone's permission to grow, love, or heal.

All my love,

Ava 💜⨾ଓ